Feeling Good

It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good.

The Unpleasantness has been settled. I can’t say that I am happy with the outcome, but I realized over the past year that after my manager spoke those fateful, discriminatory, words that there was never going to be a happy outcome. Whether I had kept quiet or complained as I did, there is no happy way out of being discriminated against. Closure is, however, priceless and it feels better than I had hoped to never have to deal with this Unpleasantness again.

The same day I signed the settlement happened to be the day of my anatomy final exam. I’ve worked so hard in anatomy this past semester; I’ve studied for hours nearly every day, up until well past midnight every night. I have quite literally dreamt of muscles and urinary system pathways until they repeat over and over in my head like a bad song. Anatomy has certainly been my most challenging prerequisite to date. I had a strong A going into the final and I am almost certain that I will end up with an A in the class. I now only have one more prerequisite (physiology) to complete in order to enter a lactation consultant program. I remember the feeling that I had when I started down this path early in 2013. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel but it was a pinprick. I felt as if I was looking at the sun from Pluto; now the light is so much brighter.

And as difficult as Middle has been I feel like I’ve turned a corner with how I think of her. A few weeks ago I was thinking about labor pain and I had the passing thought that “someday I hope I’ll be able to help my girls through it when the time comes”. A few moments later I remembered with start that Middle, lacking a uterus, would, of course, never experience labor pain. I had forgotten that she was anything but a regular girl. When I help her into her pajamas at night I am sometimes surprised by the parts I see; she is a girl in every other way. I’m not the only one who sees her this way. Nobody mistakes her for a boy anymore; she is accepted as girl without question. When I go out with the girls I now get comments on my two beautiful daughters. Today we ran into a old friend and her daughters who are both Older’s age. One of the daughters kept asking Older where his little brother was. She did not see how Middle could possibly be the little brother she knew a year ago.

2013 was, perhaps, the most difficult year of my life. It might be only December 14th, but the year feels dead and buried to me now. I’ve started making New Year’s resolutions in my head. It’s still scary starting over at age 35; I don’t have the career or income or family I expected I would at this point, but today I’m feeling good.

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